Why share something that feels so personal?

Sometimes writing saves me from my own thoughts, and other times it just puts me face to face with them. Hi, I’m Christian. I’ve been writing since high school, but it was always dark, gory stuff or ideas nobody asked to hear. Now, I feel this urge to write from the outside in (I hope this helps me integrate more), because in my head, storing a thought for too long often doesn’t fit and overflows.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a constant vertigo about life. It’s as if I have too many opportunities, too many possible paths, but in the end, I choose nothing. Everything feels like a deep well, in an endless fall where every option I leave behind weighs more than the one I choose.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this, but there are days when everything seems within reach, but at the same time, out of your hands. And I think that’s what drives me to write.

Why does this matter?

I write because I want to know if this sensation of vertigo is something only I feel or if someone else has experienced it. By reading this, maybe you’re realizing that you’ve gone through something like this, or sense you might go through it. Perhaps you’ve tried a million things and feel like nothing fits perfectly. I think that’s normal… but also frustrating. And somehow, being here, sitting, writing, makes me feel that maybe sharing it is a first step toward finding meaning (or at least a pattern).

What brought me to this moment

I’ve left so many things behind: animation, design, music, soccer, art, writing, chess, photography, video editing, film, even party organizing. Each of those things excited me at some point, and then faded away.

Today I’m here, programming this blog. It’s weird, but it feels good. Maybe because there’s no pressure for perfection while doing it. I don’t know how long this impulse will last, but I hope it’s enough (if you’re reading this, it means it is).

Yesterday, I was at the 2024 Christmas party of Arkus Nexus, and it was a strange day. First, I watched the others dance, and honestly, I felt empty. As if I had been left out of something important. I didn’t feel like dancing, and the beer was burnt or watered down, for a moment, the whole atmosphere made me feel like I didn’t belong at times.

But then, I won a TV in the raffle. It was strange how my mood changed. That small moment of winning something, even if it was material, gave me a break. It made me feel good, even for a while. While watching others dance, I reflected on something I discussed with Roy: it seemed like people, friends, were activating something in their lives, while Roy and I were just settling things. I’d like to be like them, to feel in motion, alive, but I don’t know how to visualize myself that way. How do you get back to a place when you don’t even know how to see yourself?

Small victories and big frustrations

When I got that TV, my family at dinner today said I’d never smiled so much. But for me, it was just another task: figuring out where to put it, buying the stand, installing it… and all while I knew deep down that I didn’t want that TV in my room. I like my bed to be for resting, not for watching boring episodes.

And here’s something I hate to admit: the TV wasn’t the problem. It was me. That smile my family saw… maybe it was because the TV was something simple, something without complications, something that didn’t require more than just accepting it. On the other hand, relationships, projects, life itself, are harder to handle. You can’t just “install” them and expect them to work. Everything requires maintenance, and sometimes I feel like I don’t have the energy for everything expected of me.

Being realistic (and a bit kinder to myself)

There’s something I’d like to learn: to be kinder to myself. In programming, you can trace an error, fix it, and move on. Life doesn’t work that way. There’s no git that lets you go back to the exact moment when something went wrong to explain it and fix it. In life, things accumulate, they feel heavy, and sometimes you just can’t handle everything.

I wish I could do a git push -f and stop following the rules of the game for that necessary moment.

But maybe you don’t have to make it perfect. Maybe you just have to do your best. And that’s enough, for now.

Conclusion: Just start (like I am doing right now)

If anything here resonated with you, I want to tell you that you’re not alone. Starting doesn’t have to be a big event or something super planned. Writing this blog was my small step, and I’m here to see where it takes me. What will your step be? Whatever it is, start small. Celebrate even if you only move forward a little. And if you stumble, be kind to yourself.

I invite you to share: What is that thing you want to start, even if just for today?

Coming soon...